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Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

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The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

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There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

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Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

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There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

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It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I am not young enough to know everything.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

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If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

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If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.

The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

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Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth?Tame the dragon and the gift is yours.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of your mother-in-law.

A joke's a very serious thing.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Each individual woman's body demands to be accepted on its own terms.

The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.

No matter what I do, no matter how predictable I try to make my life, it will not be any more predictable than the rest of the world. Which is chaotic.

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If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I write because I'm afraid to say some things out loud.

We are made to persist. That's how we find out who we are.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from.

Listen. Do not have an opinion while you listen because frankly, your opinion doesn?t hold much water outside of Your Universe. Just listen. Listen until their brain has been twisted like a dripping towel and what they have to say is all over the floor.

We require from buildings two kinds of goodness: first, the doing their practical duty well: then that they be graceful and pleasing in doing it.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

My friends are my estate.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

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There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'

Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now?

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

There are sadistic scientists who hurry to hunt down errors instead of establishing the truth.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.

Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

In an industrial society which confuses work and productivity, the necessity of producing has always been an enemy of the desire to create.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

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A man can do all things if he but wills them.

Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

For the night was not impartial. No, the night loved some more than others, served some more than others.

Keep cool and you command everybody.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.

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The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

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There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.

History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.

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The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The best of us must sometimes eat our words.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

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When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.

When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.

Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

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When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.

Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy those are who already possess it.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Truth has beauty, power and necessity.

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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.

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I guess we'd be living in a boring, perfect world if everybody wished everybody else well.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Set all things in their own peculiar place, and know that order is the greatest grace.

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Good company and good discourse are the very sinews of virtue.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

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Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable.

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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.

He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Well done is better than well said.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I feel very strongly that change is good because it stirs up the system.

We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Winning is important to me, but what brings me real joy is the experience of being fully engaged in whatever I'm doing.

The undertaking of a new action brings new strength.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Most advances in science come when a person for one reason or another is forced to change fields.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.

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If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

Beware the pull on your heartstrings -- it's often the pursestrings that are actually being reached for.

Be careful that victories do not carry the seed of future defeats.

Peace is when time doesn't matter as it passes by.

Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus, but use all gently. For in the very torrent, tempest, and as I may say, whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

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When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were.

All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

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A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.

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All the world's a cage.

He who labors diligently need never despair; for all things are accomplished by diligence and labor.

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Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

It is easier to exclude harmful passions than to rule them, and to deny them admittance than to control them after they have been admitted.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

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Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

Fresh clean sheets are one of life's small joys.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

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The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.

I ran the wrong kind of business, but I did it with integrity.

Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

His priority did not seem to be to teach them what he knew, but rather to impress upon them that nothing, not even... knowledge, was foolproof.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.

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It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

The mellow sweetness of pumpkin pie off a prison spoon is something you will never forget.

Be more prompt to go to a friend in adversity than in prosperity.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

All things are difficult before they are easy.

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Take a two-mile walk every morning before breakfast.

I think people want their illusions and writers are mostly illusion. When you read their words, you read a flattened, incomplete version of the writer.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

There are no wise few. Every aristocracy that has ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a small mob.

The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

As a scientist, I am not sure anymore that life can be reduced to a class struggle, to dialectical materialism, or any set of formulas. Life is spontaneous and it is unpredictable, it is magical. I think that we have struggled so hard with the tangible that we have forgotten the intangible.

Get away from the crowd when you can. Keep yourself to yourself, if only for a few hours daily.

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Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he?d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don?t seem so bad lately.

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Be thou the first true merit to befriend, his praise is lost who stays till all commend.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time.

My home is not a place, it is people.

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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The truth is more important than the facts.

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That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.

We play the hands of cards life gives us. And the worst hands can make us the best players.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Keep cool and you command everybody.

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

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When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Deeds, not words shall speak me.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

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I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success. Talent is only a starting point in this business. You've got to keep on working that talent. Someday I'll reach for it and it won't be there.

We are always in search of the redeeming formula, the crystallizing thought.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

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And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Get away from the crowd when you can. Keep yourself to yourself, if only for a few hours daily.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

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A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

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Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

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Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

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Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

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Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

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The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

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Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.